


Goodnight, My Angel

by Lilliwyn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Family, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Moving On, Music
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 07:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilliwyn/pseuds/Lilliwyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After returning with the Normandy from the jungle planet, Kaidan finds that his worst nightmares have come true: Kara Shepard, his lover and friend, is dead. But she leaves for him a gift that he couldn't ever dream of: a list of songs to take his mind to happier times that they spent together. For as we all well know, music often cements a memory better than the best pictures ever do. Oneshot collection that covers all three games. Shenko!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Inside This Ancient Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for stopping by! Lilliwyn is back with a story that has become the product of my latest Mass Effect Trilogy play through that I am hoping will help to move me away from the depressed state I am wallowing in now that it's finished. :*( This story is inspired by a lullaby written by Billy Joel that is subtitled with the same name of this fic, since I think that it does a good job of summarizing the relationship between my Commander Shepard and her lover, Kaidan Alenko. This can be considered a four-shot. Each chapter, except for the first, either directly follows or occurs during each game in the trilogy and is inspired by a corresponding verse in the song.
> 
> This story is slightly AU to allow Shepard and Kaidan to have more time together. I will not really depict any of the particular endings that you can choose in the vanilla game or the Extended Cut (none of them make any sense and are waaaay too morally ambiguous. But I won't get into that here...) so if you wish you can just imagine whichever ending you prefer. I may later write stories based on MEHEM (the Mass Effect Happy Ending Mod. Check it out if you haven't yet - it's good therapy for post-ending blues!) but this story will not.
> 
> Just a warning: this story is intentionally sad, and may be best experienced while playing Billy Joel's song on repeat and after reading the lyrics (which are not going to be posted here due to copyright issues), while having a box of tissues on hand, and eating chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

_One foot in front of the other,_ Kaidan mentally told himself, forcing his legs to do what he ordered. Even after everything that had happened in the war against the Reapers, he felt that this, next to her memorial service after her supposed death three years ago, had to have been the hardest thing that he had ever done.

London was in ruins. The Reapers, even though they had been defeated, had done a good job of causing destruction and chaos. Bulletins lined the streets with pictures of missing loved ones, family members, and friends, hovels were being made out of the debris as shelters for the homeless, and the hungry wandered the messy streets, asking for money, for food, for anything that would help them get through the coming night. It was very sad to see the city in such disrepair, especially three months after the end of the war. It shouldn't have been that bad.

While the Alliance may have had trouble finding the funds, time, and resources to seriously begin to rebuild London, one thing they did not waste time to start on was a monument to their savior. That was where he was heading to pay his respects, to grieve, to feel closer to her... he actually couldn't exactly pinpoint why he felt he needed to visit it. A large part of him didn't want to go in fear of the pain it might bring, but he just knew that it was something that he had to do.

Kaidan sighed as he realized he had finally arrived. After that great effort to come back from that jungle planet he had contributed to and the hesitance that he had to overcome to visit, he had finally found his way to her memorial. The area was guarded by two alliance marines who stood at the entrance steadfast, holding ceremonial rifles at their sides. Clean concrete formed a paved circle that was surrounded by flowers of many colorful hues, causing an aromatic springtime scent to fill the air. The sound of bubbling water came from fountains that lined the opposite end of the circle from where Kaidan entered. There, next to the fountains, stood a marble statue of her. He wiped away his tears as he stood in front of the statue and shook his head. As much as it bore her likeness, it's stoic position of her standing in front of the Alliance flag did not even come close to portraying her beauty, her nobleness, her bravery, her loyalty, her compassion.

Her love.

The vid that played on a screen near the statue almost seemed heretical to Kaidan. It showed off her accomplishments during her life (or at least the ones that benefited the Alliance), talked about her history and upbringing, mentioned the lineage of service in her family, and declared that she was truly a hero without comparison, all while accompanied by the Alliance anthem. Kaidan had to stifle a scoff at it; not once did it describe what she was like or merit her for anything other than her own deeds. Kaidan knew that the makers of the vid had never known what she was really like or had seen the personal struggles that she had to overcome like the crew of the Normandy had seen, but those were the attributes that had really made everyone want follow Shepard; that made them believe that she could accomplish anything. The people that were worth following were not those that were without troubles but those that triumphed over them, and that was what made Kara so admirable.

He sat down on a nearby bench, laying down on the ground the flowers that he brought for her as he raked his fingers through his thick hair. How could she be gone? He could not wrap his head around it. It had taken the crew of the Normandy three months to make it back from the jungle world that they had found themselves stranded on after the final battle against the Reapers. The whole time he had motivated himself to keep going because of her – he had to get back to see her again. He knew that she had to still be alive. After all, she had died once but had defeated death, and came back with her guns blazing to defend those who could not defend themselves. But this time there was no Cerberus, no Lazarus Project to bring her back, even if there had been a body to work on. Why would she finally have fallen victim to death then, after everything they had been through, after defying all the other times when it should have claimed her? He couldn't comprehend it, couldn't understand it. She just could not be dead.

And yet, every other piece of evidence said she had to be. The monument had been erected instead of a grave simply because there was nothing left of her to bury. There was no corpse, no remains, no dog tags to recover to give to her loved ones. No one was quite sure what had exactly happened on the Crucible, but they were all sure that Kara Shepard had truly stopped the Reapers. They also were certain that what she had to sacrifice had cost her life, and that she really  _was_ dead this time.

Kaidan then knelt on the ground, balling his angry fingers into fists.  _Why_ did this have to happen? In his head, he had known that this war could take their lives from the very start. After all, all they were was human, and their enemies were so much bigger than they could ever be in so many ways. But she had been so strong, so skillful, so unstoppable against those that would oppose her, that he couldn't see how she could die. If anything, he was slightly concerned that the war would take his life, leaving her behind on her own. After the pain that he had experienced after Kara's first death three years ago - the very same pain that he was feeling now - he wouldn't want to allow the source of such sorrow. Nevertheless, he was hopeful all along for their chances. While worries would sometimes float in his head, he truly believed in his heart that they would finally be able to be with each other after the fateful end of the war. They had talked about settling down by the ocean on Earth, possibly in Vancouver near Kaidan's mother to help with the reconstruction effort, about the possibility of marriage, of starting a family, of having kids that might bear her sparkling violet eyes or his thick brown hair. And they would never have the chances he so believed they would have to act on their love for each other. They were now long gone.

"Why did it have to be you?" he whispered. If he had ever been presented with a chance to he would have gladly exchanged his life for hers, and it pained him to know that it had not been he who had died, but she who had been given the opportunity to give herself up for him. With a sigh to stifle the threatening sobs, he turned to the flowers beside him and grabbed them gingerly, placing them reverently in front of the statue. They were newly blossomed lilacs; a beautiful lavender color and sweetly fragrant, just in season there in London. They were Kara's favorite.

It was then that Kaidan saw a figure out of the peripherals of his bleary eyes who began to approach him. "Excuse me, sir. Are you Kaidan Alenko?" a woman's voice asked.

Kaidan turned, rubbing at his wet eyes at he faced her. She looked vaguely familiar, with a warm gleam in her eyes and a melancholy, yet friendly smile stretched across her face. Her light brown hair glittered with strands of gray which was pulled back in a bun, lightly disheveled by the warm spring wind. She seemed to be in her early sixties, but the sorrow that her face seemed to hide and her weary posture made her seem even older. The stress and sadness of the war must have aged her more than time ever could.

"Do I know you?" he asked cautiously.

The woman gracefully walked towards and sat down next to the him, carefully crossing her legs and spreading her skirt over her knees. "You don't know me, but I almost feel like I know you. Quite well, in fact." She wiped a tear away as she placed a small pot of her own, which was filled with lilacs as well, in front of the statue. "When Kara would call me she would talk about you quite often, and very fondly."

Kaidan began to move to stand. This was Kara's mother! "Captain Shepard! It's an honor to-"

"Now, there is no need for that." She motioned for him to sit back down. "I believe you outrank me, Major. Please, just call me Hannah. Besides, if things have gone the way that we would have wanted them to, I am sure that you would have become my son-in-law. You are the closest semblance of family that I have left."

Kaidan took his seat back next to her, suddenly shamed of his lack of consideration towards the grieving woman. Comforting words were more important these days than those unnecessary formalities. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he said, not sure of what other words he should supply. He couldn't imagine the pain that she bore towards the loss of her daughter.

"Thanks," she said softly. She began to nervously play with the hem of her dress. "This war has been too cruel, don't you agree?" She shook her head. "After after my husband's - John's death, she was all I had left. Now death has been sure to take her away as well. It is terrible for a mother to outlive her child; it's so unnatural. I always knew that it could happen since she joined the military, but there was nothing that I could do to prepare myself for it." She paused for a moment. "There is nothing else that she could have done to have made me any more proud or to bring me any more sorrow."

Kaidan wiped away again at the tears that began to force their way down his face. "If it is any consolation, she was an amazing woman. She was so brave."

"That she was." Hannah stood and traced the jaw line of the statue's face with a lone finger. She silently laughed, presumably at what lengths she was taking to feel close to her own departed daughter. She soon retook her place down next to him and sat. "She had the life she had always wanted, ever since she was little. She had always dreamed of having her own ship, of saving the galaxy, and of having someone to share it with." She smiled again at him. "What about you, Kaidan? Do you have any family left? Anywhere to go?"

"My mother, as far as I know, is still alive. I intend to go to Vancouver to look for her after some time spent here, but my father had gone MIA. There's little hope that he'll come back."

"I'm so sorry." Hannah produced a handkerchief out of her bag and dabbed at her eyes. "This war is altogether too cruel," she repeated.

Kaidan agreed.

"She spoke highly of you, my daughter did." The lady knowingly smiled at the man next to her, even through her tears. "She loved you, Kaidan. You were the driving force behind her, the hope that kept her going. You were the wind in her sails. I am so glad that she had you with her to the end."

Kaidan shook his head, hiding his moist eyes behind his arm as those unrelenting sobs began to take over his body. He simply couldn't fend them off any longer. "I'm so sorry," he said in between gasps for his sudden unsightly disposition. "God, I miss her so much."

"I know," Hannah said sadly. She moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shaking form. "I know, Kaidan."

They both stayed there together in front of the cold marble statue. He knelt there and sobbed, shedding many tears that he thought had long dried up since he had first heard about Kara's death a few days ago. While he would be too reluctant to let a stranger touch him in most other circumstances, he found comfort in Hannah Shepard's presence. She hugged him, cooing comforting words all the while, and he found himself unable to find a reason to move away from her. She was right. Next to his mother, who he wasn't sure was still alive or not, she was like family.

Finally, after a few very long minutes, he was able to calm himself, reducing the violent sobs to stubborn quivers and shallow breaths. He sat up, pulled his knees to his chest, and rested his chin on them so he could look at the older woman next to him. "I'm so sorry, Hannah. I -, well, I didn't know the extent of what had happened at the battle for far too long, since I was stranded on the Normandy on a faraway planet along with the rest of the crew. I didn't think that she would really have..." his voiced trailed off, unable to supply the strength to finish the sentence. "This all feels unbelievable. It's almost as if I'm in a bad dream that I keep expecting to wake up from."

Hannah nodded, communicating her understanding without the use of words.

"Kaidan, there's something that I need you to see." She rose from her spot before offering a hand to her new friend. "Shepard left something for you in my care before..." she shook her head as she helped him up. Kara's death must have been hard for her to speak of as well. "If you would come with me, I could give it to you."

Kaidan nodded and began to follow her. Kara had left something for him? His interest piqued at the idea of that. After being left with nothing but a strangely – even hauntingly - empty captain's cabin, he longed for something he could touch, something tangible that he could perhaps carry with him and keep for himself.

"I'll be glad to leave this place. This memorial doesn't do Kara justice," he said, referring to the clean, calm atmosphere that seemed so out of place while people continued to suffer outside of the memorial's walls.

"No, it doesn't."

It turned out that even in all of this wreckage Hannah had been assigned an apartment that was in a building that had somehow remained structurally sound so that she would have room to work and an environment to keep her safe in. While she claimed that the apartment had been looted and empty when it was given to her, she had acquired furnishings that she had been able to scavenge: a couch and a bookshelf lined with old paperbacks, a table with six chairs surrounding it, a desk which her console sat upon, a rug, and a few kitchen appliances that she had been able to fix. Boxes also laid in careless stacks in corners, datapads were littered on the kitchen counters, envelopes filled with paperwork were haphazardly shifted into piles on the table and desk, and unmade sleeping bags lined the floors that she allowed some of the homeless families to use. Despite the controlled mess, though, Kaidan did feel that he was able to breathe in this place. There he finally felt that he was really away from the chaos and sadness that lurked outside of Hannah Shepard's door.

"Don't mind the mess. In between time spent with my guests, on my work, and with Kara, I haven't been able to spend much time to keep this place clean."

Kaidan dismissed the apology quickly. He was just grateful for her hospitality and another friendly face; the mess didn't bother him. "Have you been helping with the reconstruction effort?" he asked.

Hannah nodded. "After helping with the Crucible it's all that I have been able to do. My old ship's crew, they're all gone. Even they couldn't stand against the Reapers. So, I have started doing the only thing that I know I can: helping others in my daughter's memory."

Kaidan nodded, making a mental note to ask how he could join her in that effort later. He knew he would need an escape from this ever pressing guilt and grief that he harbored over Kara's death.

Hannah led him down a hallway to a bedroom. Inside was a queen sized bed, a dresser, a nightstand, a mirror that had a crack in it, but was still usable. On top of the bed sat a box that was still sealed. Kaidan walked to it and sighed as he saw that his name was written on the box in a black ink; it must have been Kara's handwriting.

"You can stay as long as you want to if you need somewhere quiet to go through the box. Do you have a place to stay tonight?"

"I was planning on returning to the Normandy," Kaidan said as he began to open the box.

Hannah nodded. "If you find that you cannot return or that you do need a place to stay, my home will always be open to you, Kaidan."

"Thank you," he managed to voice before she left the room. He returned his attention to the box and its contents, neatly laying down the objects on the bed before he sat down.

He sighed as he took a look at the things that Kara had left for him. There laid a datapad, a couple of printed pictures of the two of them, a bottle of the perfume she would wear when they were off duty, a lock of her brown hair tied between a white ribbon, her Alliance blues. He carefully fingered each item, tears welling up in his eyes as he felt her hair, smelled the perfume; a nostalgic scent of lavender and vanilla. What he would give to have her back next to him!

He turned his attention to the datapad that laid on the bed. He carefully picked it up, almost afraid of what he might find recorded on it. He took a deep breath before he turned it on, bracing himself against the pain that he might find buried in its content.

Kara's kind face soon popped onto the screen. Her cheeks were covered with tears but she smiled all the same, her violet eyes gleaming with their usual determined sparkle.

"Hey Kaidan," she said. "If you are listening to this, then I am afraid that it means that I am gone, and you're still here. I have sent this to my mother, Hannah. Oh Kaidan, you will love her. I do know that she already loves you like she would her own son, and she hasn't even met you yet! I do hope that you both can help each other to move on. I fear for her as I do for you." Her smile soon faded and more tears began to well up in her eyes. A small, sharp sob escaped her lips. She briefly turned away from the screen, grabbing a tissue to dry her eyes with.

"Oh god, this is harder than I thought." She wiped away her tears before she started again. "Well, Kaidan, on this datapad I have stored a list of songs that become important to me during our time together. I hope that if you listen to them, they will help you remember the good times we had together, and not the bitterness of my death. I also left some pictures in the box, but I have always felt that music helps me to remember more of the important times than pictures ever can.

"Kaidan, don't dwell on the loss of me. Move on and find happiness." She smiled again. Tears fell out of Kaidan's eyes and he touched the screen, longing for nothing more than silk of her skin, the sweet music of her voice, her glittering eyes. "I'm sorry that I had to leave you like this, but it is only because I love you. I sacrificed myself so that you could  _live,_  and I would do it a thousand times over if I could. Please, linger on the happy memories, because those are the ones that matter, the ones that I remind myself of when I think that I can't go on. And they were  _all for you._

"I love you so, so much. Take care, Kaidan. Stay safe for me," she whispered before the screen went black.

The playlist that Kara had made for him flashed onto the screen next. Kaidan laughed through his tears as he read some of the titles: there was some jazz from singers long gone such as Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, the stuff that they would play to relax to, to dance with each other to, or enjoy while sharing a bottle of wine. There was also some music that would fit better into a classic rock genre, such as The Eagles, The Beatles, Chicago, and one of their favorites, Billy Joel, or the "Piano Man." Kara admittedly had a strange taste in music and blamed it on her mother, who had played this old music for her since she was very young. Her family had enjoyed this music from the past mostly for its acoustic instrumentation and deeper lyrics, which were quite hard to find in the modern music of their generation. And Kaidan had found that he had grown to love it as well. Perhaps not for the same reasons that she did, but because it made him think of her.

Kaidan started to play the music but he paused before he began the first song. Would the memories that the music held bring pain or peace?

He took a deep breath. This was something that he would have to do, no matter what emotions it invoked in him. "For you, Kara," he whispered, overcoming his fear as he pressed the play button. He laid back on the bed, closed his eyes, and let his memories of his lost lover whisk him away from that place and on to simpler, better times.


	2. I Never Will Be Far Away

Kaidan parked the skycar, hurried around to the other side, and gave a hand to Shepard as she stepped out of the vehicle and onto the sand. It was a beautiful day; not too hot, not too cold, with hardly a cloud in the sky. It was perfect for a day spent on the water.

Kaidan smiled at her as she stepped out. She was dressed in a flattering floral sundress which accentuated her lovely figure, and seemed very happy to be wearing something other than Alliance fatigues. Even with the small amount of time they had spent outside that day, the salty air was already causing her short, brown hair to twist into waves. He bent down and kissed her on the forehead; even when she stood at full height she was still five inches shorter than he was.

It had been three weeks since the Battle for the Citadel and the fight that had taken place against the Reaper. Kara had been injured by falling debris from Sovereign once he had been defeated and had broken her right arm and fractured a bone in her left leg. After a week of strict bed rest, copious amounts of medi-gel slathered onto her injured limbs, and many hours of sleep that was induced by the pain killer cocktails they kept injecting into her, she had been released from the hospital and sent off for some much deserved shore leave, despite her protests to stay at the Citadel to help repair the damage it had suffered during the battle. The Alliance actually sent the newly appointed Councilor Anderson to speak with her himself, and he promptly ordered her to get her ass off of the Citadel so that she could soon return back to her normal duties in full health. After that, she had no choice but to find a place to go until she could return to the Normandy.

That was when Kaidan had offered to take her down to his home at Vancouver, Canada back on Earth to spend some time with his family. It was mid July down there, with comfortable weather in the high sixties and low seventies. He promised that he would let her visit his family's orchard and take her down to the Bay, and that they would be able to spend time alone with each other, which had proven to be quite difficult to find while they had been on the Normandy, surrounded by spying crew mates and sneaky gossips. While he could tell that she would have much rather stayed on the Citadel to help, she hesitantly agreed.

He had been very happy to bring her to meet his family. They had loved her, and were also quite surprised and overjoyed that finally, at the age of thirty-two, their son had finally brought a girl home with him. She had even charmed her father, who was hard to please and difficult to get along with at the best of times. He had later approached Kaidan and told him, "You would be stupid to ever let that one get away." He also said that he had best get a ring on her finger while he still had her. Even though he was sure that his blushing face had reddened to the dark shade of a beet, he could do nothing but agree with his father.

He had plans of his own, though. One in particular had to do with a diamond ring that he wore on a chain around his neck, which he kept with him in case he found himself with a perfect chance to present it to Kara. It had been a decision that he had lost sleep on over the past few nights, and was an idea that terrified him whenever he thought about it, but after everything that he and Kara had gone through he knew in his heart that it was something that he had to do. And with how much Kara had wanted to see the ocean, he couldn't think of an opportunity that was much more romantic than spending the day out in a sailboat on the water under fair skies while sipping wine from a fine bottle of chardonnay from a local vineyard.

"You still feeling okay?" Kaidan asked, unable to keep a trace of concern out of his voice. "We can always go back if you aren't feeling well."

"No, Kaidan, there's no need. I'm feeling fine."

"Let me know if you start to feel bad. You won't disappoint me if you feel like we need to go back and rest, Kara."

She smiled at the mention of her first name. It had been a habit they had only picked up recently, calling each other by their first names when none of the other crew members were around. After being dubbed by their last name by just about every single serviceman in the Alliance, hearing her first seemed to be special to her, and Kaidan had found that hearing his own made him feel the same way."I'm fine, Kaidan. I feel great. I really want to do this; I've never seen an ocean up close – not on Earth, anyway."

"Then you're in for a treat," Kaidan said. He took her hand and led her towards the path that led to the marina where Jacqueline laid.

Kaidan was really excited to take her out on the water that day. The Alenkos had a sailboat, and an honest-to-god sailboat, too. It had no mass effect fields to propel it, no small drive cores to help them if there was no wind. All that it had was a mast and a sail, a rudder to guide it, and oars if the wind died while the boat was stuck on the water. He loved that boat, partly because he had spent much of his childhood with his father in that thing out on the water before he had been taken to BAat. But he loved the whole experience of it: the wind in your face, the gentle rockiness of the boat as it was carried by the water that could lull you to sleep, the smell of sea salt in the air. That was why he was so excited to take Kara out to the English Bay that day; he knew that she would love it, too.

A gasp escaped Kara's lips as the glittering turquoise water came into view. "It's beautiful!" She exclaimed, squeezing Kaidan's hand snugly.

"What did I tell you?" he said snidely. Since Kara had grown up on spaceports, most natural environments awed her, and the reaction that came from seeing the ocean had proven not to be an exception. "Come on. I'll show you the boat."

They walked onto the pier that led to the marina. Several boats were there, swaying with the gentle waves that began to wash upon the beach. They stopped once they came to a rather small sailboat with a hull painted red with bright white sails flapping in the wind and the name Jaqueline painted on the side in a black script. "Here she is," Kaidan said with a smile. After all the time he had spent away crossing the galaxy, nothing beat the freedom that he felt while stepping into the boat, surrendering himself and where he might be taken to the natural forces at work that day.

He turned back around and faced Kara, who stood with her arms crossed with a smirk on her face. "If I didn't know any better, I would say that I had good reason to be jealous of that sailboat."

"What?" Kaidan remarked, a flush heating up in his cheeks. "Kara, I -"

The lady who stood across from him began to giggle. "Relax, Alenko. You're so easy to tease!" She took his proffered hand and stepped into the boat with him. "Besides, you can't lie. I would know if you were having an affair with your boat."

Kaidan shrugged, leaned against the mast and hugged it suggestively. "I don't know, Kara. Jackie and I go way back."

"Nope. You just can't lie, Alenko," she repeated as she helped to untie the boat from the marina. "Not that that's a bad thing. I know you would never betray me."

Kaidan smiled and let go of the mast. "Nope, never would." He smiled as he lifted a latch from the floor of the boat and pulled out two life vests. "Here, take one."

Kara cocked an eyebrow at the garment that he was handing her. "You need me to wear one of... those, on a clear day in a sailboat?"

"Can't ever be too careful. What will you do if we are attacked by a sea monster and the boat capsizes?" He handed it to her and waited for her to put it on. She rolled her eyes dramatically, donned the vest with an exasperated sigh, and sat down once she was sure that it was tight enough.

"I would call you crazy, but with everything we've seen, that may actually be feasible." She laughed. "A sea monster might be tame compared to the Thorian."

"Just when I had thought that I was beginning to forget about that thing." He crossed his arms, pretending to be agitated with her. She smiled, though. She saw right through his ruse. "I certainly won't be disappointed if I don't ever have to see one of those again."

"Me neither," she agreed.

Kaidan then set the boat free from her spot on the marina. The wind picked up, fluttered the sails, and sent them on their way. He found his place at the steering wheel and directed the boat out to sea. He smiled. After so many years apart, Jackie had finally brought him back to her, and he was very glad that she had. He stifled a chuckle. Maybe Kara  _should_ be jealous when he was with the boat.

It was then that Kara pulled out a datapad from her bag and set it in a safe spot so that it wouldn't get wet. She pressed a few buttons and it began to play music which had a peppy beat, male singers singing with falsetto voices, and contained repeating lyrics that had something to do with picking up "good vibrations," to which Kara sang along. Even though Kaidan found it amusing to hear his commanding officer singing with something so... happy, he still found it to be strange music. It was obviously old.

"What's that?" he asked, referring to the song that was playing.

"Don't tell me that you've never listened to The Beach Boys," Kara said with a smile. "It's beach music. How could we spend a day on the water without listening to them?"

"Never heard of them," said Kaidan. "How old is that, anyway?"

"This was written in the mid-1960's, I believe." She smiled as she began to play with the water. "I like old music. My family had me listening to it when I was little. Music was passed through my Dad's family as if it was an heirloom, and he intended to continue the tradition. There's a lot of memories packed into these songs."

Kaidan nodded but didn't comment as the background lyrics turned into a series of "bops". While the music was indeed suitable for a beach setting, it was still quite strange to him. It was, after all, 200 years old. Kara smiled, but he could tell that she knew that he wasn't particularly enjoying the music.

"It's okay if you don't like it. The datapad is set on shuffle and will change in a little bit."

"It's not that I don't like it. I'm just not accustomed to this kind of music. That's all."

Kara nodded and looked back towards the water. The sun reflected off of the blue-green liquid, causing sparkles of light to dance off the surface. Kaidan frowned. While their time spent on shore leave had seemed to have been good for her, she seemed more pensive and spent more time away in deep thought than she had previously while they were pursuing Saren. Kaidan thought that he knew what was distracting her. Virmire and Ash's death, the circumstances behind Saren's suicide, the loss of life on the Citadel, it was all dark and deep enough to lose yourself in if you weren't careful. Kaidan was dealing with it all in a different way than she was. He busied himself enough to where he wouldn't think about it, probably drank more than he should before bed, and spent more time trying to make sure that Kara would recover relatively unscathed, in more ways than one. There was only so much prodding that he could do to make her talk, though, and there was only so much that she would say when he was able to make her speak. While he did his best to remind her of the good she had done, he knew that it would take a while for her to realize that the burden of all that death wasn't hers to bear.

But what she stared at this time was a boat that was approximately 400 meters from theirs. It was a sailboat that was a bit bigger than Jackie was, but it carried a whole family on it. A man, a woman, and two kids were on it, laughing boisterously while they talked and played with one another. This scene drew a laugh from her.

"What are you thinking about, Kara?" Kaidan asked. He approached her and sat down once he was happy with the direction the boat was sailing in.

She sighed contentedly before she turned to face him. "Kaidan, do – do you ever think of what we might be missing?"

Kaidan scowled at her question. "What do you mean?"

Kara moved a lock of brown hair out of her face. "I mean, have you ever wanted to just get a normal job? Settle down, meet a girl, start a family?"

Kaidan shrugged. "Sure. I mean, I have thought about working on the orchard when my career with the Alliance ends. I'm going to have to settle down someday. But I know you, Kara. You wouldn't be able to stand back and watch during all of this."

"Yeah." She grabbed his hand. "I still wonder about it, though. I have to admit – I've always wanted to have a kid or two."

"Really?" he smiled. "You are always so full of surprises." After seeing her becoming so fierce against those who would threaten her, the idea of his Shepard having a home full of children was so ironic that it amused him. "I just can't see you settling down. Not when there's such pressing issues, anyway."

Kara nudged him playfully. "Oh, stop it. You can't tell me that you've never wanted a family."

"No, I guess I can't. I mean, can you imagine? Having a house filled with the patter of little feet, of having miniature Kaidans running around?

She giggled. "And who are you to say that they would only be little Kaidans? What about little Karas?"

"Now, that would be a challenge." He took his turn to nudge her.

"Hey!" She returned the gesture again, smiling all the while. "But seriously, Kaidan. Can you picture it? A girl with your hair and my eyes?"

The image made him smile. He could see it in his mind's eye, actually. A little girl with dark thick hair that was matched with her mother's signature sparkling violet eyes. The simple thought of it made him swell with pride. "Yeah. She'd be just as stubborn as you but would have a heart just as big."

"And she would be so smart and thoughtful, just like her daddy is." She laid an arm over his shoulder. "You would be a great dad."

"And you a wonderful mom." He rubbed her hand. "You speak as if this will never happen, though. We still have time. When this is all over, what will be left to stop us from being with each other?"

"If we make it out of this alive, you mean." Her face suddenly turned downcast.

"Kara," Kaidan had to resist the urge to scoff. Even after everything that had happened, everything that she had triumphed over, there were still times like this when she seemed genuinely convinced that she didn't have much time left. And there was no convincing that he could do to make her seem to believe that she would make it out of the mess with the Reapers alive. "Not even Sovereign could take you down. We are going to make it through this war." He squeezed her hand. "And that list you just named of all those experiences we're missing? We have already started on some of those steps. I met you and I care about you a lot. I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else."

The lady laughed. "Is that a marriage proposal, Kaidan?"

He joined her with a chuckle, discreetly fingering the ring that he wore around his neck. As much as he wanted to present it to her, fear gripped at his chest and told him to wait, effectively destroying all the courage he had built to use to propose to her that day. Perhaps, now with the threat of the Reapers and everything else that wanted to kill them both, it would be best to wait for more peaceful times. What would happen if gave her the ring but would die in a year? That might make his loss even more painful to her. What would happen if the Alliance caught wind of their relationship? The ring would only become more evidence to turn against them. He sighed, hoping that he wasn't giving away his previous intentions. This, despite the yearning for her in his heart and whatever urging his father might give him, simply was not the best time. "Maybe not yet, Kara. But when this is all over," Kaidan started, "promise me that you'll be mine?"

She smiled. "Kaidan, I'm already yours. I always will be."

That's when he felt his arms tighten around her waist, felt her fingers wrap around his shoulders. His lips met against hers with a renewed passion. Warmth rose in his chest; it was in her embrace that he belonged, that made him feel more whole. Being with her filled him with such confidence and faith in them both. It made him feel like their time together would simply last forever, for no reason other than that he and his lover were meant for each other.

Suddenly, The Beach Boys song that was playing ended. A new one began with a pretty piano melody and a man's voice soon joined the instrument. His voice was soft and soothing, and the lyrics were rather heartfelt.

"Who is this?" he asked Kara, who had laid her head on his shoulder.

"Billy Joel," she said. "He was a musician who was well known in the 1970's through the early 1990's for his piano-driven songs. They even called him the 'Piano Man'. This is a lullaby that he wrote for his daughter."

"It's beautiful," he said as he gently entangled himself from her and sat down, obviously entranced by the song. The tender lyrics, the strings, the piano, Billy Joel's voice, they all worked together to bring him into feelings of nostalgia and melancholy that he hadn't felt for a long time. Finally, the song lilted to the last verse, proclaiming that how the singer would be remembered by his daughter after his passing would be through the lullaby itself, since lullabies are never forgotten; they are simply passed on through generations as they are sung from parent to child.

"The song is true, you know," Kara said as she sat down next to him. "My father used to sing that song to me when I was small. He died when I was ten on a mission that had gone wrong. Some days I would just lock myself into my room and play this song on repeat, crying and wishing that he was back with me."

"Kara, I'm sorry. I didn't -"

"No, it's all right. That was a long time ago." She smiled. "But this song and why it is so dear to me is because my father lives on through the music. I can see him like he once was: even though he was tired from work or whatever mission he had just returned from, he would take the time to sit and read with me before bedtime. And when the story was over, he would always take me in his arms and sing this song to me before tucking me in. It's as the song says: my father lives with me in the memories that the song contains. And perhaps one day, if I ever have a child of my own, I can continue the tradition and sing it to them."

Kaidan nodded as the song ended. "Could you play it again?" he asked as he reached for the cooler they had carried the wine in. Kara nodded as he pulled out the bottle, stuck a corkscrew in through the top, and pulled out the cork.

Kara seemed more than happy to oblige. "I don't know why I get these dark feelings, Kaidan. I know it seems irrational, but sometimes I just feel like I don't have much time. Those moments are fleeting though, even though they may be the driving reason behind my nightmares. But now, when I'm with you," she said as she accepted a glass of the off-white liquid, "I don't see why we wouldn't have all the time we would want to settle down after all this is over."

Kaidan smiled. "Me neither," he said. "And that's something to raise our glasses to."

"To lullabies," Kara then started. "May we never forget them or take them for granted."

"To lullabies," Kaidan smiled as he hit his glass against hers. A pleasant clink rang through the air and they both drank a sip from their glasses. "God, I love you, Kara."

For a moment, she looked surprised. "No 'take care' or 'be careful' this time, Alenko?"

For Kaidan, commitment was difficult. He had, he felt, always loved Kara. But, as he had done with everything, he had needed to keep a way out in case something went wrong. He had to be sure that she had loved him as well; had to be certain that she would be welcoming of whatever affection he might hold for her. His well wishes and warnings had become his words of love since they were safe. They, in a sense, proclaimed what his heart wished for without scaring her away. But there, with both their hearts on display for them both to see, he felt that he could no longer keep his feelings secret.

"Not this time," he said, completing his sentiments with a kiss.

"I love you too, Kaidan," she answered as she caressed his cheek.

* * *

Little did Kaidan know how much that song, that little lullaby, would come to mean to him. It was as the "Piano Man" had sung. It was how he remembered Kara and kept her near to his heart, even when she was separated from him through death.

It wasn't even a week after that outing on the water that he would watch her while he was helpless and unable to help. He screamed out her name and clawed at the glass window in the escape pod's wall, watching with unblinking eyes as she suffocated and began to plummet towards Alchera's atmosphere. He would spend many days, as she had when she was young, locked up in his apartment listening to that simple lullaby on loop. It was through that song that she lived. It was how he could see her smiling, laughing over a glass of wine, talking about what their future children might be like. It was the only thing that kept him from going mad with grief.

Even now, while he laid on that bed with the datapad in hand, he could see her smiling. Almost hear her wish him well, telling him not to linger on her but to go and find happiness. "I don't know if I can do that yet, Kara," he said, his sobs reducing his voice to an unsteady whisper. "I miss you. Why did you have to die?"

He sighed as he looked at the datapad. He would have to come back to her Lullaby, but he knew that he also had to listen to the rest. With an wavering hand, he pressed the next button, and closed his eyes as he visited the next memory that filled his vision.


	3. You'll Always Be a Part of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where the "slightly AU" that I mentioned earlier comes from. This takes place while the Reaper IFF is being installed, although I am pretending that there is more time than that which the game gives you to do Legion's loyalty quest and finish things up before Shepard goes through the Omega 4 Relay. I mean, seriously. I love ME2 but they say that you have plenty of time to finish up stuff, and if you take advantage of that, some of your crew have already been melted by the time you make it to the Collector Base! Grrr...
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always, feedback = love.

Kaidan sighed. He never liked waiting, and he didn't especially like the bar that he found himself in, either. He was waiting at a round table in Purgatory, a new nightclub that had just opened up on the Presidium. It was really loud in there; the whole room boomed with obnoxious music, the whooping yells and laughs of the patrons who had drunk more than their fair share of booze, and was filled with a lot of bright, flashing lights. He had decided to take lengths to prevent the inevitable migraine that would soon find him, so he hadn't ordered anything to drink.

Kaidan was there to meet with an old friend. Garrus Vakarian had emailed him the day before, telling him that the Normandy was going to spend the next day on shore leave on the Citadel. Shepard had decided that it was a good chance to let her crew mates tie up any loose ends they might have with any of their friends or loved ones who might live there. Garrus said in the email that he wanted to have some drinks and catch up before they left, but Kaidan had a feeling that that wasn't the true reason he had for meeting with him.

He hadn't contacted anyone on the Normandy since he sent that last email to Shepard, and he had good reason. Garrus had been there with Shepard on Horizon, along with a gangly-looking salarian who talked more quickly than Kaidan could listen, and he was pretty sure that both of them had heard what he had said to Shepard there. It hadn't been pretty. Kaidan had felt many things at the sight of her: happiness, joy, elation, even. And then frustration that she hadn't contacted him before they met, suspicion over her newly found place with Cerberus, and anger that she blamed the Alliance for not defending the humans which the Collectors had taken. He had felt awful at what he had said afterward; sad, dirty, shamed, angry at himself. But there was nothing he could do to change what he had shared with her. With how quickly gossip had spread on the SR-1, he was sure that the whole crew of the Normandy SR-2 really hated his guts.

Even though he felt guilty, his myriad of feelings also battled with himself for his need for justification for his actions. He had every right to be angry and suspicious of Shepard, hadn't he? He didn't really think that Shepard had truly been dead the whole time. How could he believe that she had just recently been resurrected? How could someone reanimate a body two years after its death? For all they know, they could have simply kept her away for when the time was right to unleash her. He started to become angry at Shepard for leaving him with two whole years of intense survivor's guilt and grief, brought back to life by the very organization that they had fought untold horrors from together, who had used  _her entire squad_ _on_  Akuze as thresher maw bait. And now she was allied with them. What was he supposed to think or believe? That everything would be as if she had never left? That she would be the very same Kara Shepard that he had loved? Knowing Cerberus, he had doubted that was the case. How hard would it have been for them to have planted a control chip inside of her?

He had spent some time recently with Councilor Anderson though, and even though it was not his original intention for visiting him, much of their conversation remained on Shepard. Anderson explained to Kaidan that, unlike what he previously suspected, Kara truly had been dead for those two years and was revived by a sector of Cerberus that they called the Lazarus Project. He also went on to explain how neither the Alliance or the Council wanted anything to do with her or the Collectors and were doing their best to make Shepard look like a fraud and cover up what was happening to the colonists.

Kaidan straightened as he saw a familiar-looking turian approach him. He put on a smile and tried to appear friendly for him.

"Garrus!" he exclaimed. "How's it going?"

He sat down at the table, mandibles flaring. Kaidan didn't have to ask to see that he hadn't emailed him just so they could laugh over some drinks.

"Listen, Kaidan. I know that things are tough right now, what with the Collectors and Kara coming back. But I need you to hear me out." He quickly ordered a shot of some dextro-friendly drink and asked Kaidan if he wanted anything, which was an offer that he declined. "We have about a day left until the Reaper IFF - what we need to enter the Omega 4 Relay - will be integrated into the Normandy's systems. We're about to leave on what many of us consider to be a suicide mission and we don't know if we'll make it back. Even though she tries to hide it, even Shepard seems worried about it. She has spent a lot of time making sure that we are ready for it personally, has helped us all with our problems that she should have just left for ourselves to fix, and hasn't tried to fix her own." He squinted knowingly at the man who sat across from him as if he was the source of all her problems.

"She has tried really hard to make sure that all of us have few regrets, but I am worried about her. I don't know why, but she still loves you, Kaidan. I don't understand how she does after how you treated her at Horizon but I can tell that she misses you. Still, I don't want her to regret not having the chance to fix things up between the two of you if the worst should happen."

The words stung, but Kaidan knew that he deserved every one of them and more. He almost stifled a laugh; meeting with Garrus was almost like conversing with a protective, heavily armed, older brother. "So, are you wanting me to meet her or something? To apologize?"

Garrus nodded. "I have told her to meet me here at Purgatory for drinks tonight, like I did for you. You better be nice to her, too."

A nervous flutter rose in Kaidan's chest. Kara was coming here? "You did  _what?_ _"_

"If something happens after we leave for the Relay you will wind up beating yourself up for not reaching out to her. I am doing you a favor. She is still the same Shepard we knew two years ago, Kaidan. She isn't being controlled by Cerberus, she isn't obeying their every whim, or even participating in their twisted experiments. If anything, she is only using them. She is exploiting them for the resources that she can use against the Collectors, which your Alliance and the Council won't give to her. She has only chosen the, how do you humans put it? The lesser of two evils?"

Kaidan began to rub his temples; he couldn't believe the turn of events that was occurring. The waiter came by and delivered Garrus his drink. Kaidan almost stopped the waiter to order something for himself despite the oncoming headache; he felt that he might need the alcohol to calm his racing thoughts. Garrus downed the shot and sighed contentedly, further teasing Kaidan on what he was missing by turning down the turian's offer for a drink.

"You really need to give her a chance. She has given you a fair share of them, ones that I say you shouldn't deserve. Anyway, she should be here," he looked at the time on his omni-tool, "any minute now."

Kaidan stood up from his chair and tried to keep calm. He knew that he would have to talk to Kara eventually about what happened to Horizon, but he wasn't ready for it. He was hoping he'd get some time to prepare, to figure out what he should say, to get ready to sacrifice his pride. But she was coming  _now_ _?_

Sure enough, a woman who wore a long blue dress strode into the bar. He stood still and swallowed as he took in her violet eyes, her loose, wavy brown locks which had grown to her shoulders, her slender form. She seemed tired and on edge as she looked around the room for Garrus. Maybe her mission was causing her too much stress? She froze as her gaze locked with his, the ever-present sparkle disappearing from her eyes as her lips parting in surprise.

"Shepard!" Garrus exclaimed once he saw her. He waved her over, and after looking around and seeing no way of escape, she walked towards them. "Look at who I found?" he said once she approached the table.

"Garrus, you told me that we would just go out for drinks."

"Which is what we are doing! Why don't you take a seat? Loosen up a little?"

" _Why_ is  _he_ here?" Her hands balled into fists and her voice quivered as she spoke. "You didn't set this up, did you?"

Garrus shrugged. "Of course not, Shepard. I just found him here and thought it would be a good idea for him to join us. The more the merrier, right?"

"Are you the only one here from the Normandy?" She crossed her arms and began to look around again, stopping once she gazed at a nearby bar and recognized a certain quarian. "What is Tali doing over at the bar?"

"Uh, why wouldn't she be here? We're on shore leave and there's not much else to do on the Citadel. I heard she was experimenting with fitting a straw into her mask earlier so that she could have a drink."

Shepard placed her hands on her hips and began to tap her foot. "Garrus, I appreciate you trying to help me, but I don't need you to fix this for me. Take Tali out of here and return to the Normandy. I don't want to see you two spying anymore."

Garrus sighed but rose from his seat. "Shepard, we're only trying to help you like you helped us. You saw Tali acquitted, helped kill an ardat-yakshi, of all things, for Samara, fought a thresher maw  _on foot_ for Grunt, and you haven't even contacted Kaidan to work out what happened. What about your own problems, Shepard? Are you going to wait to fix them until it's too late?"

She shook her head and pointed towards the exit. Kaidan knew her; dealing with everyone else's problems helped her to ignore her own, and she never appreciated it when she was called out on it. "Go. Now." Her voice was cold and her eyes had seemed to have turned to ice. Garrus walked over to the bar, took Tali by the hand, and left without saying a word.

Kaidan scratched his head and sat down. Kara stood in her place, silently watching as Garrus and Tali left Purgatory. She didn't turn to face him even after they left.

"So," Kaidan started, breaking the silence between them, "how have you been doing, after...?" his voice trailed off, unable to add the word Horizon to the end of it.

She turned, looking at him with weary eyes that became windows to her wounded heart. She seemed so hurt. "You mean, after Horizon? Who do you think you are to ask me that question?" Her voice rose in pitch, alerting some of the other patrons to the tension that was rising between them. "That's like asking a person how they feel after shooting them in the stomach! You  _k_ _now_ what you said there, Kaidan. Did you expect me to forget about it after that email you sent me?"

"Why don't we get out of this place?" Kaidan said quickly, trying to keep the pitch calm in his own voice. "There are too many prying eyes here."

Kara frowned. "Don't want to get in trouble for being seen with me, huh, Kaidan? Am I bringing too much unwanted attention to you?"

Kaidan blinked. The words hurt but were true. Being seen with her, someone who was now known for working with Cerberus, could gain the attention of the wrong people. He took a deep breath and decided not to answer her loaded question. "Follow me. We can talk at my apartment."

He got off of the stool and walked towards Purgatory's exit. He looked behind his shoulder, half expecting to see that Kara would have decided to stay behind. She was following him, though, albeit with her head hung and her arms crossed. Kaidan shuddered. What did he have to do to comfort her, to correct what he had ruined? And would she listen to him if he even found the words to tell her?

They both walked around the corner, down a street, and finally up a staircase towards the apartment complex where Kaidan lived. He decided not to hitch a ride on a mass transit vehicle. They were too noisy and too crowded, and the throbbing that had started earlier at his temples refused to stop. He didn't want the chaos and stress of being stuffed into a bus to fuel his migraine; he needed to be able to think straight so that he could sort things out with Shepard.

"Here we are," he said after they climbed the stairs and reached his front door. He pressed his hand on a panel next to the door and it opened.

Kaidan felt that he had a decent apartment. It had a living room with a huge window, two bedrooms - one of which he used as a study, a dining area, a bathroom, and a kitchen. It was nice for the amount of credits that he spent on its rent, although it wasn't as fancy as something he could have bought on the Silversun Strip. He liked it better this way. There was less flashing lights, less noise, and it was pretty close to where he worked on the Presidium when he wasn't on away missions.

He was now wishing that he had kept it cleaner, though. He hadn't been expecting any company, and with his work with the Alliance, he simply hadn't had time to keep it looking nice. "Sorry for the mess," he said as he shuffled the datapads that laid on the couch together in a pile. "Take a seat."

Kara remained standing, her arms still crossed and her face still downcast. "Or not," he stuttered. "As long as you're comfortable."

Kaidan turned on a music player that sat in the corner, which began to play a song written by Leonard Cohen which was covered by Jeff Buckley called "Hallelujah".  _"I heard there was a secret chord that David played that pleased the Lord,"_ crooned his voice, accompanied by a lone guitar. It was a sad song, something that made his own feelings feel more plausible. After her death, the old music that she had once introduced him to had became his way to stay close to her, and even now that she was alive, he had a hard time breaking himself out of the habit. He had even, admittedly, come to like the music.

Shepard stayed quiet as he sat down in a nearby armchair. "Would you like a drink or something?" he asked.

"I'm fine, thanks."

Kaidan pulled out a bottle from a drawer in the coffee table that laid in front of him, poured out two white, round pills and swallowed them, hoping that it would cause the throbbing at his temples to cease.

"Kaidan," she shook her head. "Why are we doing this? Why am I here? Haven't you already told me everything that you wish to say?"

Kaidan tentatively met her eyes with his own and she looked away, hiding the pain that was tucked behind her weary eyes. What she really meant to ask, what she must have truly been looking for the answer was,  _"haven't you hurt me enough?"_ Doubts crept into his mind. He shouldn't have agreed with this. He feared that he would just wind up hurting her more before this incredibly important mission she was about to leave on.

"I have been talking to Anderson lately," he started.

That got Shepard's attention. She looked up at him expectantly but said nothing, her lip slightly trembling with the emotions she was trying to hide.

"He better explained the situation that you're in, Shepard."

"He did?"

Kaidan nodded.

"How much did he tell you?"

He took a deep breath. "About how terrible the situation with the Collectors were; of all the colonists that have been taken. That neither the Alliance or the Council believed you about them or were willing to help." He ran a hand through his thick hair. "That you really  _were_ dead during those two years."

A look of confusion contorted her face. "Kaidan, I-"

"I thought you weren't dead, Shepard." He clenched his fists as he remembered how hurt hecwas when he first saw Shepard on Horizon. He pushed those feelings aside – this was for Kara, not him. "When I first saw you on Horizon, I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to believe when I saw that you were with Cerberus. Had they really just faked your death and hid you away until they needed you? Had they brainwashed you or found some way to control you? Aside from that, I thought that there had to be a way to convince the Council and the Alliance to sponsor you and give you the resources you needed. Especially after what I reported on Horizon, I just thought that they  _had_ to do something about it."

"They covered it up, didn't they?"

"They did their best to," he answered. "Then Anderson told me about the Lazarus Project and how you claimed that you weren't really working for Cerberus but were only using them." He shook his head. "I know I always swear by doing the right thing and for being careful, but... in circumstances such as this, what else can you do?"

Kara wrapped her arms around herself and carefully sat down on a nearby chair. She remained silent as she looked down at the floor, her confused expression remaining on her face.

"I need to ask, though," he said again, trying futilely to get Kara to look at him again. "Why didn't you contact me after you were resurrected?"

She sighed and finally lifted her gaze back to Kaidan. He almost wished that she didn't; her sad , tired eyes and the dark circles that hung under them pained him to look at. "I tried. I found Anderson as soon as I could reach the Citadel. He wouldn't give me any way to reach you. He said that what you were working on Horizon was classified."

He nodded; that did make sense. He was sure that the Alliance would be incredibly reluctant to give out information to a Cerberus agent of all things, even if she was their first human spectre.

"What I guess I mean to say then is that I am sorry, Kara." Her eyes glistened at the mention of her first name. "I – I was misled about you and so wrong."

Her eyes grew wide and for the first time Kaidan noticed that her cheeks were growing wet with tears. They caused him to hurt even more. Kara hardly ever cried; the only time that he could remember was one night on the Normandy after Ashley's death. "What do you expect me to do, Kaidan? Throw my arms around you and act as if nothing happened? You pushed me away. I've had to make compromises to save others – ones that I so wish that I wouldn't have to make. What will you do when I have to make such compromises again?"

"I know you, Kara. You have a kind heart: one that I know that Cerberus can't break. I know that you don't make such compromises unless you have no other option. And I'm sorry that I pushed you away – I shouldn't have.

"I just – I can't stop thinking about you." He paused; his hands started to tremble, perhaps with anticipation or nervousness? "Even when I thought that I  _should_ have been angry, when I thought that I had been betrayed, I couldn't let you go – couldn't force myself to forget you and move on."

She blinked. "Kaidan, I... Just..." she shook her head and lifted a hand to her mouth. "Why did you say what you did on Horizon? You said that you had loved me, as in you no longer held such feelings for me. I don't know what to believe anymore!"

"Kara, I was afraid. I was afraid that I would find that you wouldn't be the woman I knew. I was afraid that I would be hurt if I would discover that you had turned your back on the Alliance and to protect myself from that possibility I turned on you."

"I will admit that I did deserve some of what you said. I never wanted to work with Cerberus. I fear that they will turn on me and my crew, but... What else can I do? No one else will protect our colonists! What did you  _expect_ me to do?"

"I don't know," he answered. "I know the truth now, Kara. I'm sorry that I doubted you." Kaidan stepped up from his seat, strode over to where she sat, and stood before her. He sat down on the ground so that he could better look at her. "I am so sorry for hurting you; it would kill me to do it again. If you want me to be gone, I will be. I'll stay away and somehow will make myself let go. But please, don't ask me to do this. Don't make me give you up."

The music player clicked as it changed songs, picking a new one at random. A piano began to play a light melody, accompanied by a man's voice. It was the Piano Man, coming back with that simple Lullaby that had become so dear to him. He watched as recognition lit up in Kara's eyes. She wiped away her tears and looked at him almost in disbelief; she seemed shocked to have heard it there in his apartment. "You – you still listen to this song?" she asked, folding her hands as she waited for an answer.

"Yeah. When you were gone, it was pretty much what kept me going. It reminded me of you, of Vancouver, of what we had shared with each other. It honestly was what kept me sane."

She visibly swallowed. "Kaidan, I - I was upset after Horizon. I don't know what I was thinking, but when I had heard that you were there I had expected us to reunite as if nothing had happened. It was hard after I Cerberus woke me up. Even though two years had past I was... dead. What had been two long years for everyone else only seemed like a long, deep night's sleep to me. To me, Ilos and Vancouver, which meant had  _everything_ , felt as if it had only happened a few weeks before.

"There is something that I need to ask you, though," she said, turning her eyes towards the ground again. "When we traveled with each other on the Normandy SR-1, you never explicitly told me that you loved me. Instead, you would tell me to be careful or to take care. You were really saying 'it would really, really hurt me to see something bad happen to you,' or, 'I really can't bear to lose you,' but you were afraid to tell me so in stronger words. You were telling me that I was special to you, that you cared. You were telling me that you loved me.

"The first time I read that email, I didn't know what to think, but the second time that I read it I noticed some warnings that you left me. You wrote that I should watch myself around Cerberus; you don't want them to cause me to compromise what I believe and who I am; you don't want to see them change me. Second of all, you left a 'take care' at the end of the email; you don't want anything to happen to me. You don't want to lose me again."

She stayed quiet for a moment but then reached for his hand. "Kaidan, do you still love me?"

He then smiled and stroked her hand with his own. "Kara, I never stopped."

A smile then spread over her own face and she laughed. "Kaidan, I don't know what to say."

"Who said you had to say anything?" he said. He inched closer to her carefully, so as to allow her to stop him if she wished. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her, rejoicing inside of himself as he felt the smoothness of her lips. He had missed her so badly, and he ached for her to remain. He eventually settled for simply holding her while she cried shallow, happy sobs, and hummed the rest of that lullaby that he had learned during what seemed to have been so long ago.

"God, I love you Kara," he said as he carefully caressed her cheek.

"I love you too," she responded while she reached for his hand and gingerly kissed it.

The song that was playing on the music player stopped. It was replaced by an arpeggiated intro. Soon, a man's thick voice came in with the words, " _Wise men say, only fools rush in..._ _"_ It was an Elvis Presley song called "Can't Help Falling in Love".

Kara looked at him and wiping away her tears. "You listen to Elvis now?"

"Yeah," he said. "What can I say? You rubbed off on me more than you know."

She laughed at that.

"Kara," he said quietly, almost reverently, if only for the unbelief that he held that she was sitting before him, safe and sound in his arms. He felt like if he blinked she would be gone, that all of this would be a dream; that if he let her go she would disappear and be gone for good. God, she was beautiful. He knew that he needed to keep her with him, to stay near her for as long as he could, lest this all proved to be an illusion. If this was a dream then he wanted to stay in it as long as he could. "Will you stay with me tonight?" he finally asked.

A smile crossed her face and she kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his own even more tightly. "How can I saw no to that?" she whispered.

* * *

They spent the night together in his apartment. Little sleep was had, if only for the mutual fear they held that this time that they spent together would be their last. Morning came all the same, and Kara found that no amount of wishing would make her mission disappear, make it any less important or dangerous, or increase the chance that she would return alive from it.

As she began to get ready to leave Kaidan was filled with nothing but a wish to go with her. "I need you to stay, Kaidan," she would say with sadness in her voice. "When the time comes, I am going to need people to convince the Alliance that the Reapers are a real threat. They won't listen if I am the only one yelling at them."

He knew that she was right, but that didn't make saying goodbye any easier. He escorted her back to the dock where the Normandy was held. They shared one last embrace there, and as he held her, he wished for nothing else but for time to stop, at least for just a little while, if nothing else but to delay letting her go. They shared a tearful goodbye and promised to reunite once she returned.

Of course, events didn't go according to plan. Because of her arrest and trial, he hadn't seen her again until that fateful day in Vancouver when the Reapers touched down, and that certainly wasn't the best time for happy reunions. He realized regretfully that it wasn't until the mission on Mars that he finally had a chance to truly talk to her and remind her of how much he loved her.

Fresh tears welled up in Kaidan's eyes as he looked at the glowing datapad. It had stopped playing music for some reason, and was waiting on him to command it to continue on to the next song. "I don't know if I can do this for much longer, Kara," he said, wiping away the tears as he forced his shaking hand to make the datapad play the rest of the songs that she had left for him.  _"I love you,"_ he began to whisper, for no other reason than to strengthen himself to listen to the painful music.


End file.
